Today, the sunrise reminded me that I still haven't slept. And that I had class in less than 5 hours. After finally leaving my presentation to complete itself, I finally went to bed to get a whopping 3.5 hours of sleep. I raced to campus, handed in an assignment, raced to the hospital, was told that my hormones are out of whack and I need to come back for a 3-hour visit so they can inject me with some hormone variant to figure out what's wrong with me, and coming back to campus to finish my presentation.

And now, here I am, lounging outside my class, another hour and a half before my next class (and presentation! eek!), my eyes are a slight hue of pink, and I'm pretty sure I have more coffee than blood pulsing through my veins right now. I think my body has become immune to the effects of coffee...

Ah, the life of a university student... Another 2.5 years to go.

I miss my bed...

I missed Xanga. :(

I really need to start updating this thing more often. I haven't ranted in entirely too long.
Well, there's not much to rant about these days, but I missed having somewhere to just reflect on life as a whole. I've been thinking a lot about life lately.
I'm not as negative as I used to be. I'm not saying that I'm not negative AT ALL, I've just stopped being such a party-pooper. It just wasn't fun.

So, what's been new in the fabulous life of Rana?
Nothing much, really.

Still working full-time while going to school full-time. Oh yeah, I'm pooped. All the time.
OSAP (student loans people) shoved it where it hurt this year, and aren't giving me money. So, no loans for yours-truly! My parents have been helping me out a little bit, at least as much as they can. They have their own financial burdens to deal with, so my situation isn't really helping any. But, they're working just as hard as I am (if not harder), and all this will mean that I can graduate with almost no debt Yeah it sucks right now, and I never have time for ANYTHING anymore, but it'll all be worth it in the long run.

My degree is going splendidly. I've grown to really love my program, and it's definitely something I can see myself doing for the rest of my life. (for those who don't know... I'm working on an Honours B.A. w/ Specialization in Translation).
So, all in all... things are good. Stressful, but good. I've finally learned to not equate stress with negativity. Stress isn't always bad, especially when it's going to lead to a positive outcome (in this case... a VERY interesting and well-paid future!). So... all good on that front.

I think the hospital here has officially taken over half my blood in the last couple of months for blood tests. I've been tested for a bunch of stuff, and after testing positive for a few things (nothing serious... just way too personal for Xanga... at least for now.), I'm being tested for one more thing... PCOS. Policystic Ovaries Syndrome.
Sure, it's not the end of the world.
Buuuut... PCOS sometimes leads to infertility. The mere thought of it absolutely terrifies me. All my plans for the future involve me getting married and having a family. Those dreams may or may not be shattered when I get my results... Wednesday morning. Just a few more days.
I'm staying positive though. Not getting my hopes up, but not expecting the worst either. Just... waiting.

So... I don't really know where this post is going. I just kinda felt like writing about my life. Yep... fun times indeed.

I'm Tired.

I'm being fucked pretty nicely by school right now, what with the piles upon piles of assignments just waiting impatiently to get done. Oh, and the 40 hours I'm working every week to pay for this education. Oh, and the return of my daily persistent headaches that haven't appeared since my first semester of University.

Yeah, I'm actually paying for tuition this year. In cash. No student loans, and my god did I try to get one.. Even went to my Financial Aid Officer's office, and explained my story in such detail that I was on the verge of tears.
But, the bitch didn't care.

So, what I've learned is that if my father had been a crack-head drug-dealer instead of opting to actually MAKE something of his life, I'd get my whole tuition paid for, and then some! Thank you, Ontario government.

So, I think I need a vacation.
Somewhere warm. Relaxing. Worry free. Hakuna-Matata inscribed on every wall, and carved in every tree.
OH WAIT! I can't go on vacation, cause every penny I'm making is going towards school.

So what I'mt trying to say is...

I'm really fucking tired.

That is all.

I look back on where I was at this time last year, and I now realize that I had it easy.

I don't think I've ever been this low. I had a packed day today. Class, work, then another class. A long walk home.
But I don't remember any of it.
I know it actually happened, but it feels like a dream.
I've had no appetite. I've been running on coffee and cigarettes, until I finally ate something at 8:00PM.
I have a constant headache that just won't go away. No matter how tired I am, I find it hard to fall asleep. My mind's always racing. Always trying to figure a way out of the mess that I'm trapped in.
I saw myself in the mirror today. I look at myself everyday before I leave the house, but today.. I actually saw myself. I look like death. My skin is almost a shade of yellow, my eyes are puffy and sunken into dark circles.. My weight has dropped, and I just look... unhappy. No amount of make-up can fix that.

I owe the University $4,083.72.

I don't have a goddamn clue how I'm going to pay for that.
My parents are "helping". And by "helping" I mean they transfer money whenever they feel like it... I'm not the priority. The house is the priority. My brothers are the priority. If there's any leftover change, they'll transfer it to the University.
I have 5 full-time University classes. And I'm working over 30 hours per week, while going to school. No one in their right mind does that.
And I don't hear any thank you's. I don't hear any praise, or "keep up the good work"... Nothing. What do I get? "You should have saved up more during the summer."

They told me to save up what I could. And that's exactly what I did. I stopped the shopping trips, I stopped racking up my phone bill, I stopped EVERYTHING. I worked over 60 hours a week... I threw away my whole summer. But that's still not good enough.

I don't know what else I have to do to make them realize that I am DYING. I can't handle anything anymore. I know there's something wrong with me. I'm almost positive.

When my brothers stay in their room all day and act solemn and whatnot, my mother pities them. She feels sorry for them, and will go out of her way to find out what's wrong so she can fix it.
With me? Nope. I'm just a rebellious devil-child purposely trying to make her life a living hell.

Every single day, I consider dropping out of all my courses, getting my money back from the University, and just packing up and leaving. Go to Montreal, Toronto, Halifax, Vancouver... and just start a whole new life. Ottawa hates me just as much as I hate it, and I just can't stay here anymore...

Ugh. I forgot where I was going with this. Time to sleep, or try to.

Today...

I realized that I have nothing to live for. Absolutely nothing.
I don't know what the hell I'm thinking, making these unattainable goals for myself. I've always known that I'd never reach them... I don't know who I was trying to fool.
Once again, I've learned that by being happy, I'm just setting myself up for a harder fall later on. I can't keep doing this. I don't even know what to do. I'm fucking lost.

Summer's almost over. School's about to start, and once again, I have no fucking clue how my tuition's gonna get paid off. No student loan this year.

Fuck.